At Home with Tinx: A Guide to Hosting a SHIFT-themed Party

So you and your friends have read The Shift. Or maybe you’ve read it, and you bought it for all your friends. Or told them to buy it. Or surprised them with it on their doorstep. Or maybe something a little less creepy, like a birthday gift. Somehow, you all have The Shift and you’ve read it and want to gather to discuss all that you’ve learned. Overwhelmed? I got you.

Start with the invites (feel free to zhush it up with Canva or Paperless Post or some other fancy graphic design software, or keep it classy and simple with an email or group text):

To my [girls, bitches, besties, Pawnee goddesses]:

“Boyfriends come and go. And you might even end up marrying that guy you just started dating, but guess what? Husbands come and go too! You know what doesn’t? Your ride or die bitches.”

-Tinx

You all are my ride or die bitches, and I would like to invite you to a night of THE SHIFT. We’ll be talking about what we learned, about past dates (and future ones), about men (and boys), about what we want (and don’t), and most importantly: create a SHIFT action plan so we can continue to support one another through singledom and beyond. At the end of our discussion, we’ll be watching [insert movie or TV show here] and apply what we’ve learned!

Time:

Place:

What to bring: [if you want people to bring snacks or drinks, let ‘em know. Nonnegotiable: ESWB]

What to serve:

-A giant salad to be eaten with spoons #shovelgang

-Your favorite chocolate candy

-Veggie crudite with your favorite dip

-Chips with salsa and Tabasco dressing

-Mocktails (or cocktails, or wine. You do you.)

What to have on hand:

-Index cards and enough pens for all

-Blankets and pillows for movie-time

-Biodegradable flatware and dishes (the last thing you want to do at the end of the night is clean)

-Ice

Everyone settled with food and drink? Excellent. Let’s dive in…

Discussion questions:

1. “Dating is not a means to an end. The goal of dating is not to end up in a relationship. The goal is to know yourself, completely.” –Tinx

Think about your past relationships, romantic or platonic. What did you learn about yourself through being with the other person? What would you never do again? What has become a nonnegotiable? Why?

2. THE SHIFT: I really want to find someone ➡️ I know I will.

“Act as though your dream life is on the horizon and you’ve got to make the most of what’s in front of you today.” -Tinx

What would you do with your life NOW if you knew that you’re going to meet your person in a year? What risks would you take? How would you feel?

Use this as inspiration to create a vision board or journal using Canva, Pinterest, or the old-fashioned way of cut-out magazines.

3. THE SHIFT: What’s the point of going on all these useless dates? ➡️ It’s all data collection, baby.

Describe your worst date. Why was it so bad? What would you have done differently? What would have wanted them to do differently? What did you learn? Now describe your best date. What did you learn? Why was it so memorable?

Enhance your night! At the party, hand out index cards for guests to vaguely describe their worst and/or best dates. See if you can correctly guess one another’s dates!

4. THE SHIFT: But we could have been so great together ➡️ I’m sorry for his loss; may he rest in peace

Who last ghosted you, and why are you glad they did? Do you think ghosting is ever justified? Why is it so prevalent in modern dating culture, and how can we get out of the habit?

How is your life better without the ghosters? Did you Reverse Box Theory them?

Hold a funeral! Wear all black, burn their printed-out picture or a note to them (do this safely!), scatter or bury the ashes. Toast. Cry. Celebrate.

5. THE SHIFT: How does he feel about me? ➡️ How does he make me feel?

Discuss Box Theory. Can you apply it to your past relationships? To current ones? What about Reverse Box Theory? Have you ever Reverse Box Theory’d a relationship? How did it turn out?

You’ll be actively applying this to whatever movie or TV show you watch later, so keep it in mind!

6. THE SHIFT: Talking will lead to more, and we’re on the way to a relationship! ➡️ Without in-person plans, we’re on the road to nowhere.

“Instead of spending so much effort on texting, go and do something that makes you feel good. Come up with a list.” –Tinx

Take a look at Tinx’s timeline for dating on page TK. Does this align with how you want the early stages of your relationship to go? What do you think of the rule to not go on the date if he doesn’t confirm by 1pm day of?

Have you ever gone beyond this timeline? How did it turn out? Was it worth it to wait weeks, months, years before you actually met up in person?

Create a list of activities (hot bath, good book, movie and wine) to look forward to if a date falls through.

7. THE SHIFT: What am I working towards? ➡️ What’s a project I can do just for fun?

“I suggest you take on a silly little project. Maybe it’s creating a gallery wall in your hallway. Maybe it’s refreshing your Spotify playlists. Let yourself get completely immersed in it and you’ll reunite with that kid who wasted hours upon hours in their room, creating magic.” -Tinx

What’s a list of things to do instead of staring at your phone, waiting for him to message or call? Create a shared Note with your friends and start a list of activities, projects, or goals to do. Get creative! Make it seasonal!

Take this to the next level! Find a painting class, go to a local art exhibit, hit up that new restaurant, stream a silly movie—have an active list of things to do with your girlfriends (all the things you know the guys wouldn’t be interested in—now’s the time to do them!).

8. THE SHIFT: I’m unhappy now but afraid to be alone ➡️ What’s the story I’d want to tell about my life?

“Breakups are hard but purgatory is soul-crushing.” -Tinx

Think about your day today. What if you woke up every morning and had to live the exact same day for the rest of your life? What would you do differently? What would you want to change? Imagine yourself at 60, 70, 80, 90+ years old. What do you want to be proud of at that point in your life?

Script out the next 5, 10, 20+ years of your life. Start in the distant future and work your way backwards. What are the absolute non-negotiables? What are some things you’d like to accomplish? What are the best-case scenarios? Play it out as if everything works out. (Manifestation is real!)

So you’ve talked the talk, now it’s time to RMW the walk. If you’d like to take your Book Club to the next level, print out copies of the To-Do List to pass out (or share as a PDF!). This is your SHIFT Action Plan:

- The Survey: Copy Tinx’s Onboarding Survey (p.53) into the Notes app on your phone. Keep this handy! Use it for those early conversations when things are starting to get good. These are the things you need to know with any potential, long-term partner.

- Main Character Energy: Host a clothing exchange or closet cleanout! Spend an afternoon going through your wardrobe and try on outfits that make you feel like a goddess. Snap photos so you don’t forget them and share with your girls if you’re stuck! Bonus points: create a Pinterest board of outfit inspo that truly inspires you.

- RMW: Pick a regular date with your group to go on a Rich Mom Walk, whether it’s once a week, once a month, the first day of each season, etc. Commit! Put it in your calendar as a non-negotiable. Grab a fun coffee beforehand, pick a new locale each time, rotate hosting. Bonus points for dressing like the Rich Mom of your city.

- Crush List: Start and keep a Crush List on your phone of the guys you want, whether that’s your local barista or whoever is starring in the most recent Marvel movie. Share with your friends if you dare! Note what these guys have in common. What stands out? Is there overlap? Anything that surprises you?

- Dating apps: Move any and all dating apps under the same grouping as OpenTable, Yelp, Uber, etc. It’s a service, not social media!

- Opening line: Brainstorm some flirty and creative opening lines to have handy! If you’re stuck, open up that group chat.

- Sex positions: As Socrates said, “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” Do your research, whatever that means to you. Find the positions that make you… know yourself.

- Pre-date playlist: Make this fun and dance-y. Use songs you listened to in middle and high school. Update this regularly and share with your girls (Spotify collab? Keep it fresh!). Only use this playlist pre-date!

- Ick List: Keep track of the things that give you the Ick. This is easier to do when you’re not in love.

- Boyfriend Sickness: Make a pact with your friends: “If I, [insert name], begin to show signs and symptoms of Boyfriend Sickness (see pg.108-109), I hereby give authorization to my closest friends to diagnose and assist in my recovery. Because boyfriends come and go, but my ride or die bitches do not.”

- Fatal Flaw: Figure out what yours is. If you don’t know, ask your friends! They will. It’s not something that needs to be “fixed” (unless you want it to, in which case, a therapist will be your best guide), but it’s important to be aware of.

- Daily joys: Start a new group chat to share daily joys. These could be actual things (the best iced coffee from that new café) or photos (cute dog!) or perhaps the sky is just a gorgeous blue and the sun is shining in a way that makes you feel hopeful. Or maybe you’re just in a good mood, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Celebrate life and all its joyful moments!

What to watch (apply Box Theory and Reverse Box Theory!):

-You’ve Got Mail

-When Harry Met Sally

-How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

-Crazy, Stupid, Love

-Love Island (UK)

-Love Actually

-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

-My Big Fat Greek Wedding

-500 Days of Summer

-Moonstruck

-Bridget Jones’s Diary

-The Holiday

-Something’s Gotta Give

-My Best Friend’s Wedding

-Notting Hill

-Legally Blonde

-Sex and the City (TV show and movies)